Affair Recovery and Counseling

Marriage affairs hurt everyone involved, but you and your relationship can survive

Our approach:

While the ultimate goal will be to heal relationship betrayals and rebuild trust, the therapist and couple will also work together to understand why the affair took place, what events led to that action, and how the couple can move past the affair by strengthening their relationship and working together. This work is often done further along in the counseling process as it is important for any symptoms of post-traumatic-stress to be addressed initially and for partners to take full responsibility for their actions, show a sense of deep regret, and convey empathy to their spouse.

How to Achieve Affair Recovery?

The Couples Institute of Santa Barbara exercises the “Atone, Attune, and Attach” approach of the Gottman Method to help repair relationships after affairs take place.

The therapist will serve as an unbiased perspective to help the couple achieve their ultimate goal of restoring a happy marriage.

Atonement: The process begins with the couple understanding that the betrayed partner most likely has PTSD symptoms and will need their spouse to express deep regret, show empathy, and provide reassurance to begin a process of rebuilding trust. While the affair itself is usually committed by only one member of the marriage, often the relationship was compromised earlier on. At the end of the Atonement phase, both members of the couple must work to pinpoint why the betrayal occurred. While the therapist helps the couple reestablish emotional safety, the goal is for both spouses to recognize the areas that need improvement in the marriage.

Attunement: Once each member of the couple can verbalize their own hurt from the relationship, while also working to understand their spouse’s emotions they can work together to begin rebuilding the foundation of their marriage. In the Attunement phase, the couple will work to define what part of their relationship was causing them pain or dissatisfaction, and together create resolutions that will better suit their needs. With the assistance of the therapist, the couple will discuss successful tactics for validating emotions, communication, and conflict resolution.

Attachment: Newly empowered with tools for relationship success, the couple will work to foster the friendship, intimacy, and romance they once shared. Strengthening their commitment to each other and deepening their love, each spouse will reattach to their spouse and work to become more unified in the marriage.

“We are so happy we reached out for help…After thinking our marriage was over, things turned around completely. We are stronger than ever and for the first time I believe change is possible. Now I think we have another 50 years ahead of us!”

“Dr. Porter managed our counseling sessions very skillfully; even when we were in crisis. We felt totally safe to open up and be ourselves. When I attended a counseling session I knew the deep emotional work would be done and I looked forward to it. I think this therapy saved our marriage especially after past failed attempts at counseling with other therapists.”